Are Avoidant People Your “Catnip”? Let's See What Dr. Taylor Says
Why, why, why are we drawn to people who keep us at a distance? Well, we are. Being attracted to a distancer is so hard-wired in our psyche that Las Vegas built an industry on it. Think of that smoky, carpeted, slot machine-filled casino. Pull the handle. Nothing. Again. Nothing. Someone else’s slot machine bell rings. Thrilling! Pull the handle, but double down - this time, it’s going to be me. Nothing. That slot machine! That disappointer. That distancer! I go home without money, but maybe next time will be different.
In this analogy, if the slot machine were a person, we’d say they're keeping us at a distance. They're afraid of commitment or producing a win that would bond us together. But, instead, they remain just out of reach. They're avoidant. So we pull the handle again. And again.
People with avoidant attachment styles run from intimacy. They avoid attachment. Taylor sings about these distancers in her 2012 song, “I Knew You Were Trouble” and how we can get hooked by someone who, on some level, we KNOW will disappoint us. Her lyrics capture the thrill of the chase and the ultimate disappointment.
Once upon a time, a few mistakes ago
I was in your sights, you got me alone
You found me, you found me, you found me
I guess you didn’t care, and I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard you took a step back
Without me, without me, without me
And he’s long gone when he’s next to me
And I realize the blame is on me
How can something so obvious and so painful be a pattern we repeat. Again. And again?
Anxious Attachment and the “Catnip” of the Avoidant
We can all relate to the thrill of the chase, but if your attachment style is on the anxious side, you may be exceedingly drawn to avoidants. Like slot machines, their distancing tendencies ARE your catnip.
Here’s how it plays out. If you have an anxious attachment style, you may have had a parent who was inconsistent in responding to your needs. As a result, you may have learned to keep your emotions and needs amped up (activating strategies in attachment terms) to get what you needed. For the anxious child, this can mean being clingy to your parents when they’re around and inconsolable when they leave. By keeping your “dial” of emotions and needs turned up as a child, you may not have been able to develop enough positive feelings about yourself and your strengths. So, without a sense of your strengths, you count on your avoidant partner to be your rock, your strength. It’s not as though you don’t have strength, but instead, you’ve had to dial it down and amp up your emotions and feelings of helplessness to get your earliest needs met with your parents.
As an adult, these amped-up behaviors (activating strategies) turn into what I call Fire-Starting because it feels like you need to start a “fire” by creating conflict to get your partner’s love and attention. You’re not trying to burn the house/relationship down but rather to pull your distancing partner closer to put out the fire and protect the house/relationship. This frantic chase to “win them over” to get the response you need IS the cat nip!
Fire-Starting involves many tactics: repetitive texting, ignoring texts, or trying to make them jealous - anything to set off their “alarm bells” and pull your partner closer.
Ironically, starting fires makes avoidants “run for the hills” and distance themselves more. They may want even more space, and so create the opposite outcome than your fire-starting intended. And the more they push away (deactivating strategies in attachment terms), the more you chase the catnip - it’s crazy-making!
Fire-Starting
Regardless of your style, in a relationship with an avoidant, you may find yourself fire-starting - provoking arguments or demanding your partner’s time or attention. Taylor’s 2006 song, “Cold as You” describes this process from the inside and outside.
You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight ’cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want ’cause I’m not what you wanted
Oh, what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, ain’t no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I’m sitting here thinking it through
I’ve never been anywhere cold as you
“So I start a fight ’cause I need to feel something” is fire-starting. You amp up the emotional conflict to feel the attachment your avoidant partner denies. It’s a vicious cycle, as the more you try to activate or strengthen the attachment, the more they try to deactivate or lessen the attachment. Remember, while you fear abandonment, they fear intimacy.
Now What? The Importance of Knowing Your Attachment Style
As you think about your relationships, it’s a good idea to learn about your attachment style. Getting curious about your attachment style and that of your partner is essential. Remember to have compassion for your partner and yourself. Both of you developed your attachment style as a survival skill, and at an earlier point in your lives, it served you!!
And remember, attachment styles are on a continuum. While you may be relatively secure in your attachment style, under stress, you may veer to one side to being either anxious or avoidant. Attachment styles aren’t all-or-nothing labels but rather a “flavor” of how we tend to experience and behave within our primary relationships.
For a straightforward and short online quiz, check out this quiz developed by the authors of “Attached.” I like this quiz because it’s an easy way to learn about your and your partner’s attachment styles. In addition, you can take it without signing up or paying; it takes little time. There are many great online options, and here’s a helpful article that reviews five online quizzes.
You can also read my other blog about Taylor’s lyrics and attachment styles.
Time to “Begin Again”
Let’s end with a hopeful concept. It’s called “earned secure attachment,” meaning that you can become more secure in your attachment style within a loving relationship or through psychotherapy.
I love the hope and new potential in Swift’s 2012 song, “Begin Again." In this song, she’s looking back at a past relationship with an avoidant boyfriend and feeling hopeful about a new possibility. The little things this new potential partner does at the cafe show signs of emotional responsiveness and secure attachment. Also, take note of the recurring line “But I do” which I point out as a window into her growth and realizing her self-worth. In this line, “But I do” she’s registering her own experience and trusting it! This is a securely attached way of being. Dang, I love Taylor Swift!!
Took a deep breath in the mirror
He didn’t like it when I wore high heels
But I do
Turn the lock and put my headphones on
He always said he didn’t get this song
But I do, I do
Walked in expecting you’d be late
But you got here early and you stand and wave
I walk to you
You pull my chair out and help me in
And you don’t know how nice that is
But I do
And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny ’cause he never did
I’ve been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again