Dr. Taylor's Lesson on Attachment
In honor of Taylor's new movie, "Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour," I'm re-posting this blog about attachment styles I did back in October of 22. Enjoy!
Taylor Swift received an honorary Ph.D. from NYU on May 21, 2022. As I see it, she finally has the degree she deserves! I’d like to think her Ph.D. is in psychology, and music is just the way she shares her worldview with us.
I listened to Taylor Swift with my daughter throughout her teen years. And we’re still listening. Taylor has seen us through thick and thin - breakups, being left out by friends, and so many difficult moments. She’s also been playing in the background of many of our happiest times.
But why do so many of us resonate and relate to the stories she sings about? What is in those lyrics that gets 50,000 graduating fans to spontaneously break out singing "All Too Well" as she took the stage to give her commencement speech at Yankee Stadium?
It’s her ability to connect with us and explain life’s experiences through an intensely personal lens. Through her poetic lyrics, she helps us see themes of love, loss, and resilience that put words to our un-named emotions and experiences. Taylor makes us feel like we’re not alone. Connection. Relationships. Psychology.
Her songs cover many important themes. In this post, I’ll focus on her songs about the boys/men she’s dated and their ever-present distancing behaviors. These songs carry our collective questions about why some people are easy to be in a relationship with and others so hard. I’ll share a psychological framework to shed light on the confusing and frustrating relationship dynamics captured in her lyrics. Like any good framework, you’ll recognize familiar patterns of relationships. Whether it’s your past or present relationship or one you’ve witnessed with a friend or family member, this framework gives you a lens of understanding.
Attachment Styles
To understand the distancing behavior of the men in Taylor’s songs, let’s look at what psychologists refer to as attachment styles. According to attachment theory, first developed by psychiatrist John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1950s, our attachment style is shaped in early childhood in response to our relationships with our earliest caregivers. In infancy and childhood, we’re motivated by our need to feel close and secure with our caregivers. They’re our lifeline. Our attachment style refers to the patterns we develop as we seek to stay close to our caregivers and these patterns shape how we relate to others and what we expect from them throughout our life. While our style of attaching to others is formed in early life with our caregivers, it shows up in our adult relationships, both romantic and beyond. Here’s a high-level overview of attachment styles and how they play out in our relationships
There are three attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Each style carries its own pattern of relating to others. (There is a fourth, less common style called disorganized attachment that I’ve left out of this blog - it’s a story for another day.)
People with a secure attachment style expect good things from others and themselves. Relationships and intimacy come naturally to them, and they don’t get upset easily. They are tuned in to their partner’s emotional needs and can effectively communicate their needs.
People who have an anxious attachment style aren’t as optimistic about what to expect from others. Their anxiety relates to their dependence on their partner and their fears of rejection and abandonment. While they’re capable of intimacy, their angst over their relationships (not just their romantic relationship) takes up much of their energy. As a result, they can come across as clingy and overly sensitive.
Lastly, and this is what I’ll focus on in Taylor’s songs: those with an avoidant attachment style have different relationship patterns. While those with an anxious attachment style fear abandonment, those with an avoidant attachment style fear closeness and intimacy. For an avoidant, intimacy can feel like a loss of self as they prefer autonomy over relationships and value their independence. Intimacy doesn’t come naturally to them, and they’re on the lookout for anything that feels like control or stepping too far onto their turf. Men are more likely to have an avoidant attachment style than women. They can be challenging to be in a relationship with as they keep their partner at arm’s length and may come across as cold and detached. As a result, the partner starts to feel like they’re chasing the distancer. When things are going well in a relationship, and the twine of intimacy is strengthened, they’re likely to do something to weaken it… which leads me to Taylor’s songs!
Taylor’s Take on Avoidant Attachment
Many of Taylor’s songs highlight what it’s like to be in a relationship with an avoidant. Being in a relationship with an avoidant can leave you feeling pushed away, devalued, and insecure about the relationship. These feelings have a source. Avoidants create emotional distance to protect their autonomy and feel safe. These coping behaviors are called deactivating strategies because they derail the attachment process and stop intimacy in its tracks. But to capture what they feel like, I’ll just call them Mind F***s or MFs for short. MFs leave us feeling like we’ve been blindsided and thinking to ourselves, “What the actual F**k?” Here are a few common MFs Taylor sings about.
Keeping secrets is an MF used by avoidants to push you away, but not too far away. Swift’s 2008 song “You’re Not Sorry” illustrates this behavior;
And you’ve got your share of secrets
And I’m tired of being last to know
And now you’re asking me to listen
’Cause it’s worked each time before
Her words describe this MF behavior and how hurtful it is. Avoidants often keep secrets to protect their sense of independence, but when they feel their partner is withdrawing, they may try and pull them back in. Like Goldilocks and the Three Bears, they want you close but not too close and distant but not too distant.
Avoidants often imply the MF of pining over an ex-partner. The lyrics of Swift’s 2014 song, “All you had to do was Stay,” capture this frustrating behavior well.
People like you always want back the love they pushed away.
For avoidants, the distance of the ex-partner attracts them rather than the person. They may put their ex on a pedestal while you, because you are emotionally close, are deemed less desirable. Again, it’s the closeness rather than you they reject. But make no mistake, you feel rejected!
Another example of an avoidant’s MF behavior is picking apart their partner’s imperfections to derail romance. Swift’s 2020 song “Tolerate It” speaks to this type of behavior and the feelings it provokes.
Tell me I’ve got it wrong somehow
I know my love should be celebrated
But you tolerate it
Her song, “We Are Never Getting Back Together,” highlights the MF of always needing physical and emotional space.
I remember when we broke up the first time
Saying, “This is it, I’ve had enough,” ’cause like
We hadn’t seen each other in a month
When you said you needed space. (What?)
Then you come around again and say
“Baby, I miss you and I swear I’m gonna change, trust me.”
Remember how that lasted for a day?
I’ll end my discussion of MF behaviors with Swift’s masterclass on avoidant attachment, “All Too Well.” Her sadness and loss in this song are palpable. However, I think what’s so sad is the lost potential, which leads us to the last MF, pulling away not when things are going great but because they’re going great.
The closer avoidants get to their partner, the more they feel the need to pull away. While there’s hope at the beginning of “All Too Well” in the lyrics;
But something about it felt like home somehow and I
Left my scarf there at your sister’s house
And you’ve still got it in your drawer even now
Swift walks us down her painful path of trying to love (attach with) him and, in doing so, being pushed away;
And maybe we got lost in translation
Maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece
Till you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there
I remember it all too well
And you call me up again
Just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all too well
While “All Too Well” captures so much of the experience of having to chase a distancer, Swift’s line, “so casually cruel in the name of being honest,” captures the coldness we feel from avoidants in their efforts to tear down the “masterpiece” (the attachment) to protect their sense of self.
But one last thing about avoidants: they need love/attachment just as much as anyone else, but this need scares them! They look calm and relaxed on the outside, but research shows that when faced with attachment loss, their physiological systems go on overdrive - a panic beneath the smooth surface. They’re stuck in a lose/lose predicament of needing and fearing closeness simultaneously.
But Why? The Avoidant’s Inner World
I’ve used Taylor’s songs to get into what it feels like to try and connect with an avoidant, but it’s also important to understand what it’s like to be an avoidant. To have an avoidant attachment style is no walk in the park. Their fear of intimacy is real. What to some may feel safe and cozy feels consuming and constrictive to an avoidant. When others want to be close to or want something from them, they often feel like, “Eck, what do you want now? What will this cost me?” They feel put off by others depending on them.
Where does this fear come from? Well, that depends. For some, it could be that their feelings of vulnerability or dependency weren’t recognized and may have been discouraged (explicitly or implicitly) by early caregivers. For others, their fear of intimacy may stem from feeling intruded upon or controlled in their early relationship with caregivers. Remember that whatever environment they come from, they learned to reject their own vulnerable emotions and dependency and tend to project the dependency they won’t allow themselves to feel onto their partner. This is a way to protect themselves against whatever feelings they had early on that they fear experiencing again. What’s tricky is that, like many of our psychological patterns, avoidants are often unaware of their patterns and what purpose they serve.
So, a word of caution: do not take on the role of explaining to them why they do what they do! Each of us is unique, and I’ve not met one person who appreciates unsolicited psychoanalysis! Instead, share what it’s like for you to be in a relationship with them and what you need from them. Be sure also to ask what you could do better to meet their needs in the relationship. Go slow!
Final Thoughts
Whether you think your partner might be avoidant or maybe you’re the one pushing people away, there are many resources. Books such as Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love and Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love are excellent sources of information.
Here’s another encouraging fact. There is something called “earned attachment,” meaning we can change and heal our attachment style to become more securely attached. Psychotherapy provides a great place to work on attachment repair. A loving relationship can also provide an opportunity to develop a more secure attachment style.
I’ve discussed the avoidant attachment style at a very high level using Taylor Swift’s songs, but there’s far more to cover and much to be gained by becoming more familiar with your and your partner’s styles. So, I’ll end with one of my favorite lines from Swift’s 2019 song, “Lover,” which is a beacon of hope. Taylor, I like to believe, has found a safe place to land with a secure attachment when she sings, “This is our place, we make the call.” It’s the we-ness of this line that I love! Congrats, Dr. Swift!
Attachments and Resilience
Our attachments in life help us find resilience! I was honored to take part in this panel discussion about sustainable resilience at the JPMorgan Chase & Co. PowerHer San Antonio event this month! I was on a panel with three outstanding San Antonio businesswomen who had much to share about finding emotional strength through life‘s challenges.