Navigating Conflicting Truths
I recently had the opportunity to speak on a panel about overcoming obstacles and resilience at a gathering for women in business. During the panel, one of my colleagues looked around the room and made a thought-provoking statement: "Women are tired." In the midst of an event meant to inspire and energize women, her words struck a chord, revealing the profound weariness many women face.
Why are we so tired?
It got me thinking about conflicting truths. It’s true we want to be great mothers AND be great at work. But choosing to do both can feel impossible.
In his book, The Wisdom of the Bullfrog: Leadership Made Simple (But Not Easy), Admiral William McRaven discusses the importance of having a personal honor code. He says:
If you want to be a great leader, you must have a personal code of conduct that provides an anchor for your decisions and your actions, an anchor that tethers you to a good place of return when you go astray, and most of us will go astray at some point.
These are wise words, but I remember reading them and visualizing the two honor codes on women’s walls. One is the “Mom Honor Code,” and the other is the “Professional Honor Code.” Both codes are genuine, and both guide our decisions, but the thing is, there are two, not just one!
And… these codes are often competing for our time and focus. To make matters worse, our honor code for the professional we want to be can be in direct conflict with our honor code for our role as mothers. I remember being torn between attending one of my final mandatory training sessions in New York to become a psychoanalyst and my son’s performance in a play. I struggled with this decision and decided to attend my son’s play, but the memory stands out because of the emotional turmoil I felt in making the decision.
How do we manage these two competing honor codes?
The Tyranny of the “Either/Or” Voice
Given the often conflicting roles we have, it can be easy to fall into the mindset of “either/or,” as in, “I’m either a good mom OR a good (fill in the professional blank).” This kind of dichotomous thinking is reinforced by messaging everywhere, and if we take it in, it sets us up for inner turmoil.
Instead, can we move to a “yes/and” way of seeing things? Yes, I want to be a good mom, AND I want to be a good (fill in the professional blank).
What does “yes/and” look like? First, the voice of “yes/and” is gentle and flexible. Imagine a granddaughter who can’t decide whether to go with her grandmother to the zoo or to her friend’s house. How might this conversation go? What’s the emotional atmosphere? It might be something like:
A “Yes/And” Atmosphere
Granddaughter: I want to go to the zoo, but Emily invited me over to her house, and I want to go. What should I do?
Grandmother: Both things sound fun. How could you do both?
Granddaughter: If I go to Emilly’s house today, could we go to the zoo another day?
Grandmother: Sure, I can’t go tomorrow, but how about Thursday instead?
It’s not the logistics that matter—it’s the grandmother’s tone I want to emphasize. The “yes/and” grandmother is attuned to the emotional conflict of her granddaughter and provides an accepting presence for her granddaughter to problem solve.
Now, imagine what this conversation might look like with an “either/or” minded grandmother. What’s the emotional atmosphere?
An “Either/Or” Atmosphere
Granddaughter: I want to go to the zoo, but Emily invited me over to her house, and I want to go. What should I do?
Grandmother: Both things sound fun, but you need to choose.
Granddaughter: I can’t decide. I’ve been wanting to go to Emily’s house but I know we said we’d go to the zoo today.
Grandmother: OK, then you should go to Emily’s house.
What do you feel when you read this? “Yes/and” thinking is flexible and soothing, while “either/or” thinking can be rigid and stressful. You can feel the granddaughter’s angst at the end of the “either/or” conversation. Rather than being invited to think creatively about her dilemma, she’s given an “either/or” response that puts pressure on her to choose. Contrast this with the warmth and flexibility of the “yes/and” conversation.
What’s Your Emotional Atmosphere?
Now, think about the voice in your head when facing a conflict between your two codes. What’s the emotional atmosphere it creates in you? Does it feel and sound more like the “either/or” grandmother ready to pounce on your less-than-perfect decision, or is it more like the “yes/and” grandmother who empathizes with your dilemma and gives you space to make the best decisions?
We all face conflicts between our many roles and honor codes, but how we talk to ourselves can make a difference. Letting the “either/or” voice take the reins won’t make our decisions more straightforward. In fact, it raises our anxiety and shuts down our creativity.
Instead, if we can find an inner voice that’s kind, flexible, and appreciative of the dilemmas we face, our decisions may still be difficult, but treating ourselves with more love and understanding will leave us in a better psychological space to make tough decisions. Notice the tone of this inner dialogue - accepting, soothing, and self-affirming.
A “Yes/And” Inner Dialogue
Self: I need to go to Jason’s (my son) soccer game. But I have this sales call that’s been on the books for a month. It’s a huge customer we’ve been trying to land, and my boss needs me to lead the call.
Inner Voice: So both Jason’s game and the call are important. What’s a compromise that might work?
Self: I can talk to my son about why I can’t make it and be sure his dad can make it. I’ll also see if his grandparents could go. I’ll be able to go to the next game, so this might work.
Inner Voice: This is a tough choice, but this seems like the best compromise. You’ve put a lot of thought and concern into this dilemma, and you’ll talk with Jason to explain the situation.
Questions for Reflection
What are the different honor codes you live by?
Where do your honor codes mirror each other, and where are they conflicted?
When you face a conflict in your codes, how do you talk to yourself?
If you were to give advice to a new mom who’s beginning her journey with her two honor codes, what would you tell her?
Let me know what advice you’d give to a new mom juggling career and family. You can leave it in the comments or hit “reply” to this email.