Reading this post, I couldn't help but think of Jennette McCurdy's bestselling memoir, I'm Glad My Mom Died, which is a (true) horror story of a stage parent! Jennette's mom tried to live vicariously through her; and Jennette suffered abuse that it took her years of therapy to fully understand. This is an extreme case—but as you write, this is a very common instinct or tendency that we can learn to recognize and question.
Thank you for making this connection, Leigh. I have not read this book yet, but it sounds like a great example of the danger of narcissistic extension.
Really enjoyed this article, it gives some solid theoretical backing to what I observe in addictive family systems, which I’m writing about now. Good examples too.
Indeed! I like that you understand there’s gray here and the line between supportive and overbearing is not always clear, and relationship specific—parallel to the therapy process itself!
Great food for thought. As we look at our district's "magnet schools" for middle school for our daughter, it's so hard to tease out our motivations versus hers. She's 10! She's still figuring out so many things (like untying her double-knotted shoes) and here we are wondering how we can get her to be enthusiastic about test scores and essays for the applications. For me, it's not so much I want her to be like me, but I want her to avoid what I experienced -- which is going to a regular, low-achieving middle school where there were fights and teen pregnancies and burned-out staff and low expectations. A magnet school is less likely to have those things, but we also don't want to pressure her and make her miserable. Oy, the balance.
Reading this post, I couldn't help but think of Jennette McCurdy's bestselling memoir, I'm Glad My Mom Died, which is a (true) horror story of a stage parent! Jennette's mom tried to live vicariously through her; and Jennette suffered abuse that it took her years of therapy to fully understand. This is an extreme case—but as you write, this is a very common instinct or tendency that we can learn to recognize and question.
Stacey excellent article. I see this with a lot.
Thank you for making this connection, Leigh. I have not read this book yet, but it sounds like a great example of the danger of narcissistic extension.
Really enjoyed this article, it gives some solid theoretical backing to what I observe in addictive family systems, which I’m writing about now. Good examples too.
Thank you for reading my piece, Darren! I can imagine you see this pattern quite often in your work and I’m glad you found it helpful.
Indeed! I like that you understand there’s gray here and the line between supportive and overbearing is not always clear, and relationship specific—parallel to the therapy process itself!
Great food for thought. As we look at our district's "magnet schools" for middle school for our daughter, it's so hard to tease out our motivations versus hers. She's 10! She's still figuring out so many things (like untying her double-knotted shoes) and here we are wondering how we can get her to be enthusiastic about test scores and essays for the applications. For me, it's not so much I want her to be like me, but I want her to avoid what I experienced -- which is going to a regular, low-achieving middle school where there were fights and teen pregnancies and burned-out staff and low expectations. A magnet school is less likely to have those things, but we also don't want to pressure her and make her miserable. Oy, the balance.
It’s such a balance. Oy is right! Thank you for reading and for your comment!