Why We Get in Our Own Way (and How to Stop)

I thought about writing a blog on self-sabotage last week. This will be easy, I thought, I’ve lived through my own self-defeating behavior and worked with many patients to overcome theirs!

I was going to post on Sunday, but then the time ticked by. More research! I thought. I’d find more information, and then I’d finish the blog. Well, tumbling down one rabbit hole after another, I searched and wrote and searched!

Sunday came and went, and no blog was posted.

Perfectionism is one of our inner saboteur’s favorite strategies. Mine takes me down the research maze never to be found. (Or, at least, not by Sunday.) My inner saboteur never says, “It’s good enough.”

We all have these moments when we get in our own way, even when we know better. It’s the beginning of a new year and a great time to let go of our self-sabotaging inner saboteur. But how?

What Is Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage is seen as both destructive and defensive. We destroy our chances of getting what we truly want—and even need—while simultaneously protecting ourselves. It protects us from our fears of vulnerability, failure, or even success.

Self-defeating behavior refers to actions or patterns that undermine our goals, values, or well-being. It’s not just about making mistakes; it’s about repeatedly engaging in behaviors that lead to negative outcomes despite knowing better. These patterns show up in various ways, such as:

• Procrastinating on important tasks despite the stress it causes.

• Pushing away supportive people out of fear of vulnerability.

• Overcommitting to impossible goals, setting oneself up for failure.

• Neglecting health or well-being, even when consequences are evident.

Why Do We Self-Sabotage?

In 1944, Ronald Fairbairn¹ introduced the “internal saboteur" concept, describing how we undermine our own efforts and best interests due to internalized conflict or fear of success. As he understood it, the origins of internal saboteurs are often found in our childhood experiences. Our earliest relationships with caregivers shape how we view ourselves and the world. If we were made to feel rejected or unlovable as children, we carry those same beliefs in the form of the internal saboteur. When we’re in line for a promotion, for example, we may unconsciously set things up to fall short, proving to ourselves and others what the internal saboteur would have us believe—we’re not good enough for the new role. I’ve heard it said that sometimes we “snatch defeat from the jaws of victory “ just in the nick of time!

Another way the internal saboteur shows up is when we keep ourselves small or in constant turmoil to maintain our relationships—whether romantic, platonic, or collegial. If care and attention were conditional—only given when we were upset or in distress—we may have internalized the idea that love and approval come at a cost. Over time, these patterns become deeply ingrained, influencing our behavior in subtle but powerful ways.

Recognizing Our Inner Saboteur

Recognizing the influence of the internal saboteur is the first step toward breaking free from its grip. Here are some signs that it might be at work:

1. Persistent Negative Self-Talk: A critical inner voice that undermines confidence and reinforces feelings of inadequacy.

2. Chronic Patterns of Failure: Repeatedly finding oneself in situations that reinforce negative beliefs about one’s worth or abilities.

3. Resistance to Change: Avoiding opportunities for growth or dismissing potential solutions out of fear or self-doubt.

4. Self-Sabotage in Relationships: Pushing away loved ones or creating unnecessary drama - a conflict that we don’t want but does feel familiar.

Acknowledging these patterns is not about blaming oneself but about developing self-awareness and compassion for the parts of ourselves that are stuck in old, unhelpful ways of thinking.

How to Stop Sabotaging Yourself

As in most things in life, awareness is key. Two things to think about: your relationship patterns and defense patterns. In other words, your early relationships (attachments) taught you that you must stay small, fall apart, or be distressed to connect or attach to others. So, on a very real but often unconscious level, succeeding or thriving may make you feel like you’ll lose important connections. This is especially common in women as so much of our identity and self-worth is contingent on our relationships. We’ve also been socialized to tamper down our ambition in the service of others.

In thinking about your defense mechanisms, what are the ways you avoid anxiety, internal conflict, or stressors in your life?

Breaking free from the internal saboteur requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to explore the roots of our behaviors. Here are some strategies to consider:

1. Cultivate Self-Awareness

Start by identifying when and how self-defeating behaviors show up in your life. Keep a journal to track moments when you feel stuck or notice recurring patterns. Ask yourself:

• Where in my life do I trip myself up?

• What triggers this behavior?

• What thoughts or emotions accompany it?

• What do I fear might happen if I act differently?

By bringing these unconscious patterns into the light, you can begin to understand their origins and purpose.

2. Challenge Negative Beliefs

The internal saboteur is like a magnet that pulls negative feedback from the world and our own mind to strengthen its position. It thrives on distorted beliefs about oneself and the world. Practice questioning these beliefs:

• Is this belief based on evidence or assumption?

• How would I view this situation if a friend were experiencing it?

• What might happen if I chose to act in a way that challenges this belief?

• What am I trying to avoid or protect myself from with this limiting behavior?

Replacing negative self-talk with kinder, more balanced perspectives can weaken the saboteur’s influence.

3. Seek Support

Breaking free from self-defeating behaviors can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Ask a close friend, spouse, or family member to help you break free from your self-sabotage. You can also work with a psychotherapist who can help you explore the roots of these patterns and develop healthier ways of coping. Therapy can also provide a safe space to process unresolved emotions and build self-compassion.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

The internal saboteur often feeds on shame and self-criticism. Counteract this by treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially when you make mistakes. Remember that growth is a process, and setbacks are a natural part of learning.

5. Focus on Small, Positive Changes

Change doesn’t have to happen all at once. Start with small, manageable steps that align with your values and goals. Celebrate progress, no matter how small, and use these victories to build momentum.

6. Strengthen Healthy Relationships

Surround yourself with people who support your growth and challenge your negative self-beliefs. Healthy relationships can counterbalance the internal saboteur, reminding you of your worth and potential. As you start to see yourself through the eyes of those who love you, your inner saboteur will become softer..

Moving Forward

The internal saboteur is a complex and deeply ingrained part of the psyche, but it doesn’t have to control your life. By developing self-awareness, challenging negative beliefs, seeking support, and practicing self-compassion, you can break free from self-defeating patterns and create a life that reflects your true potential.

Remember, overcoming the internal saboteur is not about erasing the past but about learning more about what protection it serves for you and at what cost. Take your inner saboteur’s running comments with a massive grain of salt. Challenge yourself to prove it wrong. With patience and perseverance, you can transform this internal saboteur into an annoying nat instead of an elephant on your shoulder.

Fairbairn, W. D. (1944) Endopsychic Structure Considered in Terms of Object-Relationships. International Journal of Psychoanalysis 25:70-92

1. Fairbairn, W. D. (1944) Endopsychic Structure Considered in Terms of Object-Relationships. International Journal of Psychoanalysis 25:70-92